The coo's, the laughs, the gibberish, it all makes perfect sense to me now. The sweet little angel that gave me the title "Momma" that short 19 months ago may not be able to structure a perfect sentence, but I understand her. I know, "who-who" means Soother. I know, "yawket" means chocolate. I know, "ew shew" means shoe-shoe. I know that, "bah bah" means bottle. I know, "awe tucks" means awe schucks, and I know that, "I wub bew" means I love you and behind that “I love you” there is so much promise and such a deep unfathomable significance in her little heart that she can’t yet express to me.
Nobody ever told me how hard and exhausting motherhood was. How much sleep I would lose, how much worry I would feel, how I would second guess my every decision, how every night I would fight the same battle and make promises to try harder, to love more, and have more patients. Yes, sweet mother, I see you and all you have done for me. I know you. I have become just like you.
I know I made you cry... a lot! You cried when you found out you were pregnant with me, but you fought for me. You cried when you were so brutally sick throughout your entire pregnancy, tears as to whether your body would be okay for me, you cared and loved me before anyone else had the chance to, before you cared even for yourself and your health. You cried when you first held me and in that moment you found pure happiness. You cried with fear as I grew. You cried with worry when I fell, there was no sound as sad as my cries or sight as horrible as tears streaming down my face. I know you did everything in your power to stop me from crying and to protect me, but when you couldn't, I know it hurt you more than it could have ever hurt me. When my heart broke, yours shattered. Your heart felt more for me than my own heart even knew existed. You felt my pain and my happiness and you shared it with me…you still do.
I know you wanted the last piece of cheesecake, but like me, as soon as those big blue eyes locked with yours and reached for the dessert, you couldn't eat it either, you wouldn’t dream of it. I know you felt happier knowing my little tummy was filled over your own. You put me first, you always put me first. You would go without food, sleep, showers, and exercise to make sure my needs were met. You babysat other kids, let them destroy your house, just to be home with me. I know at the end of the day you had no energy left for yourself, but time and time again you would wake up the next morning and do it all over again. Why? Because I meant that much to you, it was never even a question.
I know that I hurt you. I bruised your ribs when I kicked you from inside your tummy. I stretched your stomach out for nine months and made your body contract in agonizing pain all night long before I entered this world, I know it hurt. It hurt when I pulled your hair and pinched your neck and cheeks; when I scratched you with my fingernails that you tried to bite the last 5 days in a row, and as time passed and I grew older the thought of it going by too fast, hurt you too.
I know you were always afraid. From the moment I was conceived, you did all you could in your power to protect me. You were that mom who wanted to say no when people asked to hold me, and you cringed when they did, because in your mind no one could keep me as safe as your arms could. Your heart skipped beats when I took my first steps. You waited up night after night making sure I got home safe and still woke up early every morning singing, "good morning, good morning....Rise and shine..." with a smile of exhaustion that I never recognized until now. With every stubbed toe or knee scrap you were close by. You were there to kiss it better, chase away the monsters, hug away the bad dreams, hold my hair back when I was sick, you were always there, so mom, I was always okay.
I know you watched me sleep. There were nights when you were up until 3a.m. praying that I would fall asleep. You could hardly keep your eyes open as you sang to me, but you sang anyways. I know that as soon as I drifted to sleep you would stare into my crib looking down at me and in those moments you experienced more love than you knew possible and somehow you forgot about your worn-out arms and aching eyes.
I know you carried me way longer than 9 months of pregnancy. I needed you to, so you did. You learned to hold me while you cleaned. You learned to hold me while you ate. You learned to sleep in cracks with no blankets to ensure my 25 inch self had enough bed and blankets. I know your arms got tired, I know your back hurt, but you still held me, you never left me. You snuggled me, you loved me, you kissed me and played with me. I felt safe in your arms. I was happy in your arms. I knew love in your arms. So as annoyed and tired as I know you were, I thank you for holding me as long as I needed you to.
I know you think you are not perfect. I know you are your own worst critic. You see all your flaws and hate yourself for them. You are the hardest on yourself when it comes to you. I know you wanted to be the perfect mom, to do nothing wrong, and in my eyes you were all that and more. I know you are still trying to forgive yourself for the mistakes you thought you made. I know you wish there are things you could do differently if you could just go back in time, but you can’t so be kind to yourself mom, you did the best you knew how to do, and your best was more than enough. Being a mom is one of the hardest jobs anyone can do. I know I tested you to your very limits sometimes. I know you cried, you hurt, you tried, you failed, and you learned, but I also know you experienced more joy than you ever knew possible and you have felt more love than your heart knew how to contain. I know you would do it all again no questions asked because as much as I wanted you, you chose me, mom, you CHOSE me. I know that I am worth it to you and I know how much you love me because I have found this love myself. Becoming a mother has stretched my patients to wits end. I have learned to balance this new form of love, one that is so unfamiliar, fragile, and rare. I have found inner strength and succeeded in ways I once failed. I have learned to stop trying to make happy, happier, because doing nothing is often doing everything. Finding beauty and peace in chaos and love in the simple things. Because after all no matter what, “as long as you’re living your baby I’ll be.”
Happy Mother's day Momma, you are the real hero and I love you. xox
