My first.

My sweet princess Kin,

"You're my favorite baby in the whole world" is not something you're going to hear me say anymore, though it is hard not to keep thinking it. For 3 years you have been undoubtably, and it's hard to adjust, even for me. Now you will be my favorite big sister or my favorite 3 yr old in the whole world.

You, you, you. You're the one who burst my heart wide open. You taught me what wild, uncontrollable, unlimited, unconditional love feels like. The second you took your first breath I was so in love with you. It was an unfamiliar love, one that no matter what happened, what you did, how bad I hurt, I would always love you. From the moment I held you in my arms for the very first time I began to live for you. I found unconditional love. You, Quinn, you made me mommy.

And even though you will no longer be my only child, or even my only babygirl, you will always be my first.

You're the first one to make me forget myself. I remember biting down on wash-clothes when I had to feed you for the first 6 weeks. Tears would stream my face as you would eat and I would weep as I wiped the blood from my skin when you were done, but I wouldn't give up on you, on us. You needed me in that way and it was something only I could give you. I was there for you then, I always will be. You were the first person I ever said "I love you" to when those words held a love that had been untouched, a unknown yet perfect love. You were the first to ever call me momma, to hold my face in your little hands and say, " I love you", and to tell me "I'm beautiful" out of the blue bringing me to tears when I was having a bad day. You were the first to give me proud mommy moments and you were the first to believe I'm perfect when I'm so far from. Quinn you are the purest, most sincere, love.

With you, I made my first-time mom mistakes, like letting you roll off the bed onto the floor (or was that aunty Kennz :D). Who knew you could roll? Thank you for not getting hurt and also for not holding a grudge.

Our baby sis is coming soon, and while you may not be my only princess anymore, you'll always be the one who knows what it's like to have my undivided attention. Because how do I ever stop myself from thinking about you? For 3 years its been you and me. I go to bed at night exhausted from a busy day with you - you are such a social diva - and I wake up in the morning to your shining eyes, two kiki's, susu'd smile climbing up onto my bed for snuggles and giggles. Before you, I hated mornings. Now I'll lay in bed 20 mins after I'm awake just waiting for you to come in. You are the best part of my morning. Please understand that the extra-extra long mornings in bed, snuggles, and tears these last couple weeks are because I'm a little bit scared. How will I ever love someone else the way I love you. I'm not ready yet to share "our time." Once it changes I will never get back what I have now with you, so yes, I'm holding onto every moment with you just a little bit tighter and loving just you for a little bit longer.

This realization gives me the guilts, but then again, your sister will have the best of all. I can't imagine she will ever be bored or lonely for long — not with you and your unlimited repertoire of songs, dance moves, princess dresses, concerts and magic tricks. I can't wait to watch her watching you. Not only are you my first, but you are her first sister too. You cry when I leave just the same as she will cry when you leave. She has watched us in heaven and choosing me and daddy as her parents is our blessing, but choosing you as her sister and as her best friend is her blessing. It proves she is one smart cookie. You light up the world around you, you're our sunshine, my Kin.

You. You were my first newborn, infant, toddler, and the one who continues to surprise me every day. You're the intrepid explorer who pulls me by the hand into a better future. You're in my prayers every second of every day. You're in all my thoughts and dreams, and every wish I make upon a star. You were the perfect addition to my fairytale 3 years ago and you are growing into the most kind hearted, loving, princess. I'm so proud of who you are.

Be patient with me as we start this new chapter in our lives together. Try not to get frustrated and upset with me when I'm feeding baby sis instead of playing princesses with you. Know that I will always make special time for you everyday. I will punish you and baby sis differently as she doesn't understand yet, but because I'm stern with you doesn't mean I love you less. Know that, because of the ever-expanding place in my heart that you made there will be more than enough love for both of you when she joins our family. You will never have to share my love that I have for you. I loved you first and that place in my heart will always be yours.

You. You. You. Quinn. You will always be my first.

Pwincess Kinny

Getting my daughter dressed to go out in public is one of my least favorite parts of my morning routine. That was, until nap-time this particular Thursday, and my heart broke a little bit as I realized my parenting fail.

I carried a small load of clothes into her "frozen themed" bedroom to put away while she slept so peacefully. Even to this day I could sit and watch my baby whos-not-such-a-baby anymore sleep. Minutes would turn to hours and I would be overwhelmed with pure unconditional love as I stared at such perfection. Today however, wasn't that day. So much to do during nap-time to prepare for evening. As I placed the pile of clothes at the foot of her bed I began to fold the pieces and sort them into their baskets to place into her dresser. Kitty cats, ti-dye, tutus, princess dress, after princess dress, after princess dress, and frozen...FROZEN....FROOOOOZEN, everything. I glanced over at the items in her closet, and notice the items at the bottom of her baskets. All still brand new, half never worn even once. My absolute favorite pieces of her wardrobe. The ones never running through the wash, because let's be honest, she refuses to wear them.

When I found out that I was pregnant with a little girl, I just knew that all of my tiny baby girl fashion dreams to make her exactly like me were about to come true. I couldn't wait for the pink Jordan's, nikey sweat suits, matching hats and toques and leggings with miniature knee high boots. My baby girl would be the best dressed walking Pinterest sporty-girl fashion board. Hell I even named her Quinn, no Quinn in my mind wears princess dresses and high heel slippers, no!!! Things of that sort are meant for Graycie's, Belle's, Sienna's and Gabrielle's, not QUINN'S!

Except… No. That didn’t happen.

I’ve said it before, and I will say it again. My girl is strong-willed. She knows her own mind, and when she sets it to do something, it is

hard
impossible to deter her.

When she got to the age where she wanted to be involved in choosing her outfits, I knew that there would possibly be a few instances where she might not love what I had selected for her to wear. But I was not prepared for this to happen every blessed morning. Can I give you an illustration? Do you know how frustrating it is to tear off a piece of saran-wrap and keep it from sticking to itself while you attempt to cover an iced cake. It just keeps folding over and getting twisted and its just so frustrating. Right? Then you finally get it to lay right and it gets caught in the icing, so you quickly lift it and boom... up comes the icing and a nice chunk of cake with it. So much for cake presentation, good thing the BBQ is family only this time and they love you no matter what! Let’s just say that every day getting my Quinn dressed felt a little something like that… if you were trying to tear a sheet of saran-wrap and cover your iced cake… in a windstorm.

Maddening.

Every day was the same. I would go to her room, pick out something totally cool… outfits and name brands that I had spent good money on placing in her closet… and she would examine them, grab them, throw them and declare, "No Momma, Pwincess dress!”

But… here’s the thing. I’m the momma. I get the final say. Right? And I say these are cute clothes. These are tiny converse and an olive colored military jacket, oversized sweaters and cute leggings, Sweatsuits and Jordan's…

These are NOT A T-SHIRT WITH ELSA PAIRED WITH A PINK RUFFLE SKIRT, LEGGINGS AND SUNDAY SHOES OR ONE OF THE MILLION DISNEY PRINCESS DRESSES WITH SLIP ON SLIPPERS THAT WERE ONLY EVER SUPPOSED TO BE USED FOR DRESS-UP PLAY.

Doesn’t she know that I understand a little bit about style and would just desperately love for her to look… the way I want her to look?!

But something happened as I stared at her while folding her clothes I have loathed for so long. I realized my daughter is 2.5 and every morning I wake up and try to force her to look like… everyone BUT herself.

The outfits I pick out for her are no more Quinn than the Elsa costume I just hung next to them in her closet.

And so I’m done. Not because I’m frustrated. But because I should be the first person to help her find ways to be more herself instead of the first person to force her to look like everyone else. Do you know what I mean? I want her to know that her opinions matter. Who am I to break her little spirit? If I hear what she has to say now and listen to who she says "Kinny" is, then maybe I'll know how to help her when it's something bigger than wearing a princess dress to Walmart.

Soon enough there will come a day when the opinions of others weigh a little heavier on her heart. When what others think will play a bigger part in the decisions she makes.

But I’m thanking God that today is not that day. I’m thanking God that I still have the opportunity to change my mentality and encourage her to know her own mind, to make her own decisions and to trust that she has a Momma who will walk with her through every choice she makes up ahead for the rest of her life.

Because the truth is… if she can trust me to shout, “You got this, sweetheart! You are so good at being you” now with all the frills and fancy dresses… then maybe she can remember the echo of those words and my voice cheering her on later when she is making decisions bigger than her outfit.

They say that the relationship between a girl and her momma changes over time. They warn us that one day we wont be their favorite and they wont listen and copy everything we do anymore. But for now, while her little heart is still open and she cherishes everything I have to say, I am going to be not only her number one fan in everything she does, but my own cheerleader. The way I treat myself not only paints a picture of how I see myself, but I'm putting a brush in her precious hands and teaching her how to paint a picture of herself. I'm teaching her how to see her beauty and individuality by learning to see my own. I grew up convinced I was a mixture of Cher and Shania Twain so... if she thinks she is a princess, then dammit, "Pwincess Kinny" she is.