Most of the time life doesn't make
sense. I can’t answer my own questions regarding all the "Why's" so I
won't dare get on a high horse and try and make sense of anyone else's let
alone judge them for how they act upon them. Life is H.A.R.D. rewarding, yes...
but hard! I feel like the world is so awful and heavy, a lot of the time I
don’t have any desire to fight that, to make change or try, because I am
worried I am being impractical. Sometimes I get in such a rut that true
happiness in all aspects is foreign, and it terrifies me that I am repeatedly
making the same mistakes day in and day out. Am I missing the part of life that
matters? I'm not living. I'm functioning. Barely.
Point blank, I
am being robbed of being a mother. The mother I need to be. I have so many
things I need to teach my daughter and I don't have time. The minutes I have
here-and-there are always spent trying to organize chaos. I am being completely
selfish because without my baby there would be no sunshine in my life, even if
it's just a glimpse every now and then, when I see her she is my light.
However, I am so busy loading my day with work and such that I don't have the
time to dedicate to her. She was something special from the moment she was conceived
and made her presence know by making me sick for the entire 10 months. She's a
fighter. Not many mothers have their membranes stripped 3 times, drink every
mid-wifery concoction and still have no signs of labor. She came on her time,
not mine. She is always so happy, so engaging, so loving. I'm sure when we go
out and she smiles her scrunchy nose smile at the stranger next to us it
completely melts their heart and makes their day. Don't get me wrong she can stare
a hole through you too... the girls got attitude. She kisses big slobbery open
mouthed kisses when I say "kisses for momma". She hates all clothing
of any sort on her. I am that mom who has a clothes-less baby running out and
about my house after night-time baths every day because the fight just is not
worth it. She is such a good eater just like her dad, but she prefers salty
over sugary just like me. She loves to help load and unload the dishwasher. I
have become very efficient in loading the top rack to the absolute max with
dirty dishes and rewashing clean dishes over and over because they are the ones
she loads on the bottom rack again and again. I have to do silverware by hand
in the sink so she doesn't hurt herself "helping mommy." She loves
water. So many times I take her out of the bath, get her dressed &
lotioned, leave the room to get something, and that little 9 month walking baby
of mine (she's dang quick too) would be yelling in her happy voice the coos
that are the greatest noise I have ever heard, followed by splash, splash. To
my mortification; dog water, toilet water, or plunging back into the tub with
what little water is left in it. In her little learning mind it's at least a
minute of fun. Fully clothed baby, soaked! She loves to be outside and be high
up on my hip so she can see everything. Heaven forbid she miss something. She
dances... I have a twerking baby. She has the most adorable little dance moves
I have ever seen that go right along with her already high maintenance little
diva self. At the age of 9 months she has mastered the art of photography. She
LOVES to take pictures; in fact she is a camera hog and will push you out of
her way until she is happy with what she sees in the camera. My
"lost" IPhone was proof with over a 1000 pictures of her sweet face
and my one eye, half face, or hair pieces that sometimes made the selfie with
her. She is strong. How hard it has been for her to have "no mommy"
for 7 days in a row twice a month and still keep smiling. I'm missing out on these moments completely or I'm too frustrated because I don't quote, "have time for it."
Life changes so
fast, in an instant all my dreams and my hopes for the future can be gone. It
doesn't mean they are all gone forever; I will climb out of that hole and
realize I can make new hopes and dreams but it will never ever be the same and
I can never get that time back. She is only this age once.
There is sacredness
in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more
eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming
grief, sorrow...and unspeakable love. A love I have seen through my daughter.
After 2 miserable nights at the beginning of my 7 on work week with a sobbing
baby, who in her sleep cries and cries only to be comforted by her mom, I felt
my heart break...again. I tried everything to help with the teething, but it
just wasn't an "I have an owe-ee" type cry. She would be weepy all
evening with my husband and 3am on the dot she was awake and brought into my
room so I could nurse her. She would fall asleep and at 330am I would try to
wiggle my way out of bed without waking her and repeatedly was unsuccessful.
She would grab onto my shirt and scream at me. It was an angry little cry that
turned into a hurt cry. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what was
wrong. I was reportedly late for work those first couple days as I would try to
comfort her and snuggle her back to sleep and refused to leave until she had
calmed down some. Day 3 finally my husband at wits end turned on the light and
tried to play with her to stop her from screaming. He put her on the ground by
the bed and instead of playing with her toys she crawled into her car seat that
was a couple more feet away. I'll be damned if she fell asleep without many
more tears. For the following days of work she would do the same thing, but
this time I would carry her around in her car seat while I got ready and
without fail every time she went back to sleep and we were able to move her to
her crib right before I left for work. Call it reading too much into it, but
falling asleep in her car seat thinking she gets to "go with mommy",
being the only thing to settle her down, watching her cuddle up in her seat immediately
with her blanket and her sew...right then and there, game over, she ended my
title as a working mother. We will be moving to SPOKANE (surprise) on a 54,000
dollar scholarship for 4 years to Gonzaga University for my husband to attend
law school as well as his MBA, and I will be taking a part-time/PRN job to keep
my credentials. She was patient and understanding and allowed me to work when
we needed me to work to provide, but now she doesn’t have to be strong anymore.
I don't have to work. Something’s are more important and I will no longer
overlook the needs of my family for worldly things. They are my life and who I
am.
Thank you baby
girl for being my sunshine and reminding me what matters, thank you family for
all your help in this decision, and thank you husband for you unconditional
love and support!
Our new
adventure starts in our first home as home buyers August 20th 2014 in SPOKANE,
WA!!!
**Come what
may...& LOOVE IT! **
P.S. the silver
lining in chaos is service to your fellow men. Thank-you mom. I am so blessed and honored to have
you. You keep me grounded. You talk to me when I need someone and am so
frustrated. You never give me the easy way out, yet you help me through the struggles
of the hard path. You are far superior to any word that describes a mother and
I thank God every day for allowing dad to knock you up! ;-)
