One Last Time

I loved you when you were just a thought. I loved you when you became an idea. I loved you before I knew of you. I loved you when I found out about you. I loved you when I first felt you. I loved you when the pain was nearly unbearable. I loved you forever the moment I laid eyes on you. I loved you so dearly I wept tears of joy the first time you were ever in my arms. I never wanted to show weakness or allow you to see my imperfections. To you, I would be super-mom. You were perfect. Everything about you, perfect! You came into this world so innocent needing me for everything, trusting in me, believing in me... in us. You were completely helpless and there were days I didn't know if we were going to make it through, I questioned if I would ever get a handle on being your mom, and we would cry together.

Now I cry because I have seen endings in our relationship. I hi-5'd your dad the first time you slept through the night only to find myself sleepless the following night, hoping for your cries, praying you still needed me. You never did and now those nights when you need me rarely happen. I fear the day you wont want to sit on my lap and read, "muddy puppy or fuzzy chick" anymore, or when the day comes when showing me where your eyes are is no longer what makes you smile. I will give you your blanky after a long day and watch you smell it for comfort as you drift to sleep only to realize you will never reach for that blanky again. I don't want you to ever stop wanting "up," or to stop reaching for my hands on your tip-toes. I want you to wrap your tiny fingers around mine forever and never let go. I never want you to be too big for kisses or too busy to say "luh whouuu." But like the others, these times will sneak up on me too. What is so devastating is in the rush of it all I wont even realize it was the last time until it is too late and I have nothing to hold onto but the faint memory. So many people, including your daddy, will never understand the tears I shed over no longer nursing you. Why I have had such a hard time letting you no longer need that part in our relationship. I will miss our bond. I will miss being the only person in this world to comfort you. I will miss our snuggles and your hands clenching my shirt like they do; to no longer get the feeling that nothing else matters, it's just you and me. So many firsts still to come on this journey we are taking together, but I would be lying if I said I didn't miss and yearn for what you no longer need me for, for that one last time!

I secretly beg you not to grow up too fast. For my sake, don't wish away the days of being my baby because I need those precious moments with you. You are my baby and you will always be my baby. Being your mommy is my greatest honor.

Embrace The Old You.

I hope everyone had a Christmas full of family, friends, laughing, love and maybe a little Santa Clause too! Ours was one of my favorite yet; seeing, learning, and loving through the eyes of a one year old is such a rewarding honor us as parents are given.

With New Years Day just around the corner and the clock running out of time until midnight so many of us, including myself, are guilty of looking through different Instagram pages: ones of fitness and healthy eating, ones of organizations, or recipes, or fashion. We have laid in bed nights previous giving thought to different ideas or even found ourselves thinking, "How can I be more like her/him." Pinterest has so many great plans for me in this New Year. 2015 is going to be my year, a year of change.

7:48 pm New Years Eve I uploaded a picture of my family to my Instagram account with a short summary of our past year. During this, I was given much hassle about the time I was spending on my phone instead of helping prepare for the nights events. Maybe my timing was not right, maybe I should have been more available to help and prepare, but is that not the story of our lives? There is never the right time, if there is ever time at all and given a replay I would do it all over again and here is why.

I sometimes get lost in the music of it all. I get so busy with lists and goals, trying to be more like this and like that, and thinking that if I buy what she has I will be more fulfilled. Stop-when I just stop, I realize that other peoples talents and accomplishments are not an indication of my own shortcomings; I then allow my heart to celebrate my own abilities, who I have become, and all that I have been blessed with. New Years is an excuse I used for 24 years. I clung to 12:01 as a new start; a fresh beginning. What I failed to do was high-5 myself for everything that lead me to that point. Just like there is a bonus at a job, or a award at a ceremony there should be recognition for what makes me, me and what makes you, you. So without further ado, drum roll please... 2014's admirable mentions:

To mommas who do it alone. Your strength makes you powerful. You handle the job that two parents still struggle with, and you handle it alone with dignity and courage. You are the security and the knot that holds your family together. What you do does not go unseen. Your heart is heard. There is a reason you were given this life. You are a hero. We honor you.

To the daddys who do it alone. You handle princesses and tiaras as well as you handle dirt and monster trucks. You provide. You may not have dreamed this dream for yourself yet you would never take back those miracles that call you daddy. You handle your little hearts with love and tenderness. You are an inspiration to all of us.

To the teenage mom. You are young and you are scared yet no one would ever know. Your strength shines through you. Your child has become your best-friend. You have grown up and taken on the difficulties of an adult. You will make it. We are cheering for you.

To mommas everywhere. For all the time spent running errands, all the to-do lists, and still managing to "do it all" at home is worth an award itself. The mere fact that you get up and take care of little hearts every.single.day instead of crying in a bed of unfolded laundry is commendable. You give that bite of dessert that you saved for last because it's the best part to your child because they want it and you laugh when they spit it out. Turns out they only wanted what mommy had. You give and give and give until you have nothing because you love them. You know it, I know it, and they know it. There is nothing that can compare to a mother’s love.

To the momma with the big purse. You knew there would come a time your child would need that one item. Yes you may have carried it the last twenty trips but on trip number 21 when there was nothing else but that item they wanted, you had it, you were right! Cheers to always being prepared and hauling that duffle bag sized purse around. P.s. your arms look fab.

To the late dad. You work, you provide, and you give all you have for your family. Your presence reminds those little hearts that look up to you that they are the most important in your life. It may be only for a few seconds, but seeing you brings out their smile. You may not make it every time, but the times you do are the times that count the most. They will remember them. For all those times...daddy was there.

To every person, parent, daughter, son, on every continent in every world. Keep doing what you are doing. You are phenomenal. Remember what journey you had to take to get to where you are. Don't focus so much on a new beginning and forget all the footsteps you left getting to where you are now. You will find so much more contentment when you take pride in yourself and not in trying to be someone else. Be the best you. Work towards the best you. Acknowledge yourself. You are worthy of it all. You write your story. Your life is your message so brag a little about your accomplishments. Show off your family. Be proud of who you are and post that damn picture on Instagram.

Happy New Year, friends.