Babies with Make-up

The winds blew in a hurricane, hurricane work. One of which is a destroyer, it took what little bit of strength I felt I had and washed that bad boy out to sea. So where are we now?? Lost at sea!

As promised my drastic love/hate/indifferent relationship change with being a full time employee. Everybody says you will never know a mothers love until you have a baby of your own. True. Leaving my baby to go to work 14 days out of a month when she is merely 4 months old was the most hurt I have ever felt. It was not a hurt of falling, breaking a bone, or losing someone special. It was a guilty, heart-wrenching; I'm a horrible mother, why would I bring this little girl so perfect into this world when I cant devote my life to her kind of feeling. Feeling I was letting her down because I couldn't be there when she needed her mom. This little person whom I literally love and care for more than myself is so helpless and doesn't understand the means behind me leaving her. I didn't sleep a bit the night previous to my first day back. Not only would my baby not take a bottle to save her life, but I had not been away from her for more than 5 minutes at a time. Up until this point I was not sure she even had the lungs to scream as I had never heard her really cry. Whimper and whine when she was hungry or awake, but never scream cry. That night we chose to try bottle feeding again, ideally so I could go to sleep earlier and be ready for my 5am shift. Unlike previous attempts we were really being persistent with the bottle so she would see it was okay. I went to bed. Out of sight, out of mind. I wish. I laid in bed but not even my earplugs drown out her screams. It was such a different cry. Broke.My.Heart! I tried to trick my mind into thinking this was the right thing to do, that I was doing it for her, and she would be okay but I'll be damned. People who manage to think like that are far better than me. The whole time I laid there, 15 minutes going on ten days, knowing I needed to let my family handle it I simply bawled. When her cry had elevated past a point of return enough was enough. I had her brought into me. That perfect angel held my shirt as tight as she could with both hands and nursed until she fell asleep. Throughout tears were streaming down my face and the only words I could think to say were, "I'm sorry baby... Mommy is so sorry." Before I knew it, it was time to go to work. I, of course, was a basket case for the majority of the day. I had serious Jesus power as I drove like a bat out of hell making my 45 minute drive home just over 30. The moment that little girl got back into my arms I did what any other mom would do, slid down the wall and cried some more. I was not strong or composed I literally fell apart. For at least a month or so I couldn't seem to activate that genuinely happy person I normally am inside. I would afford a smile and make jokes at my expense in the presence of my family and my peers, but it didn't go down deep. Like I said, others would definitely handle this situation more gracefully than me. The cherry on the cake was everybody's comments, "I don't know how you do it?" "How on earth do you just leave you baby?" "There is no way I could do that, no way!" Thank-you everyone. The answer is this. I do what I have to do. With a husband in university preparing for grad school I work so I can provide the best life possible for my family. Here are some stats. My baby 100% knows that she is loved. She and I have an understanding that I have to do this for her right now, but it will not be forever. Her little hands on my face and snuggles in my neck when I get home give me a slight glimpse into thinking maybe what I'm doing isn't so wrong. I must say once the work day is done her excitement when she sees me is non-replaceable. She has let me know that being out of her sight is not an option. It's like blood to veins, cheese to macaroni; sugar to Kool-Aid, gum to shoe, mommy to baby and it's the highlight to my life. 

After a storm the air is fresh with new beginnings, so come what may and love it. <3