As for me: I wake up in the morning tired without knowledge of what it feels like to sleep-in anymore. There is no stretch or yawn, but instant to-do's. With 4 adults, a baby, and two dogs in a 900 sq.ft home, I live in absolute chaos. Shower, make breakfast, feed the baby, phone rings, trying to buy a house, bath the baby, dress the baby, timer goes off..forgot appointment and going to be late, clean up breakfast, put baby down for nap, need ice for shack, make lunch, feed the "multiples", can’t find paperwork, baby wakes up, feed baby, need to sign addendum, clean up baby, clean up lunch, can’t get ahold of hubby, make grocery list, phone has 5% battery, start laundry, activity with baby, baby naps again, back up phone to computer...no time, babies awake, too busy to exercise for the 4 month in a row, make supper with limited ingredients...and so on, and so forth. Productivity? NO! I start tidying up, walk out of the room for a second and come back to every box of noodles, bag of rice, anything that can spill if open, spilled and my baby having the time of her life playing in it. If it's not food, it's dog water or to my own mortification...toilet water! One step forward...ten steps back. I am constantly behind. I run around like a slaughtered chicken regularly and have so many things going at once I'm lucky to remember my name, let alone where I put my cell phone. Because I am strong and usually Mrs. Sunshine-unicorn-rainbow-bubble's the universe clearly has this preconceived notion that I am unbreakable. Well losing my phone on top of chaos. 1 point universe, 0 me. The memories, uncandid moments, first time ventures, laughs, smiles, cuddles, words etc. all caught on iPhone camera...gone! That is taking all my happy moments, the pictures I repeatedly scroll through at work when I miss her, the reminders of why I do what I do, the light at the end of the tunnel, what keeps me going day to day...gone! When it's hard for me to sleep because I am stressed or upset, what do I do? Look at pictures or play videos of my baby. It was the fix I found that works for me. It, something so simple, was my happy place in my overbearing and overwhelming life. Take my wallet, my keys, anything...
Constant failure. I feel like a constant failure. I know what is most important in life; however with how busy I am trying to get caught up 24/7 I am neglecting to show my husband the love he deserves, and my daughter the undivided attention she deserves from her mom. I am broken and I do not have a solution. I have tried everything from lists and charts to hardly sleeping so I have more hours in a day, and still there is not enough me to go around. This is not the perfect life; I am not the perfect mommy I envisioned myself to be while I was prego. It's hard to not deduct points from myself under these circumstances. It's hard to give myself credit for anything I do, cuz who really gets excited for ichyban for supper? These people depend on me and I am somewhere in hell.
I work with a girl. She is casually dating, lives on her own, and has the perfectly cleaned house all the time... you see where I am going with this. However, she would probably kill for my life; a husband, a baby girl, a family. Yet I am over here wishing I had her life. No responsibility but those I would hold for myself. It would all about me, Cortney, myself, and I. That's it. And then, because I love these amazing people who are mine in my life, I immediately feel tremendous guilt for thinking those thoughts and letting my mind go there. I am not a bad person contrary to your perception of me now, and never do I regret having either of them in my life, but it's the unhappy me inside who, when weak, wishes I had the easy way. This is supposed to be the time of my life, said every movie, every other young momma's blog, every book or fairytale, yet what do I remember at the end of the day? Just how much damn further behind I got and now no happy moment to scroll through. Fabulous.
What is the silver lining in chaos?
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