One Last Time

I loved you when you were just a thought. I loved you when you became an idea. I loved you before I knew of you. I loved you when I found out about you. I loved you when I first felt you. I loved you when the pain was nearly unbearable. I loved you forever the moment I laid eyes on you. I loved you so dearly I wept tears of joy the first time you were ever in my arms. I never wanted to show weakness or allow you to see my imperfections. To you, I would be super-mom. You were perfect. Everything about you, perfect! You came into this world so innocent needing me for everything, trusting in me, believing in me... in us. You were completely helpless and there were days I didn't know if we were going to make it through, I questioned if I would ever get a handle on being your mom, and we would cry together.

Now I cry because I have seen endings in our relationship. I hi-5'd your dad the first time you slept through the night only to find myself sleepless the following night, hoping for your cries, praying you still needed me. You never did and now those nights when you need me rarely happen. I fear the day you wont want to sit on my lap and read, "muddy puppy or fuzzy chick" anymore, or when the day comes when showing me where your eyes are is no longer what makes you smile. I will give you your blanky after a long day and watch you smell it for comfort as you drift to sleep only to realize you will never reach for that blanky again. I don't want you to ever stop wanting "up," or to stop reaching for my hands on your tip-toes. I want you to wrap your tiny fingers around mine forever and never let go. I never want you to be too big for kisses or too busy to say "luh whouuu." But like the others, these times will sneak up on me too. What is so devastating is in the rush of it all I wont even realize it was the last time until it is too late and I have nothing to hold onto but the faint memory. So many people, including your daddy, will never understand the tears I shed over no longer nursing you. Why I have had such a hard time letting you no longer need that part in our relationship. I will miss our bond. I will miss being the only person in this world to comfort you. I will miss our snuggles and your hands clenching my shirt like they do; to no longer get the feeling that nothing else matters, it's just you and me. So many firsts still to come on this journey we are taking together, but I would be lying if I said I didn't miss and yearn for what you no longer need me for, for that one last time!

I secretly beg you not to grow up too fast. For my sake, don't wish away the days of being my baby because I need those precious moments with you. You are my baby and you will always be my baby. Being your mommy is my greatest honor.